Farting Relationships
Sports Fans
A man and his wife have gone to bed.
After laying in bed for a few minutes, the man rips a loud fart under the blanket. The wife rolls over and growls, "Holy mackerel! What in God's name was that?"
He answers, "Touchdown! I'm ahead, seven to nothing!"
A few minutes later, the wife produces a scorching fart of her own. The husband asks, "Holy cow, what the heck was that?"
She replies, "Touchdown! Tie score!"
The man lays there for about ten minutes trying to build the pressure up for one more, but continues to have difficulty. Eventually, he tries so hard that he craps on the bed. The wife asks, not being able to see it, "Now what in the world was that?"
He replies sheepily, "Halftime. Switch sides."
(And you think reading fart jokes is a bad habit?)
Gay Lovers
Once upon a time, there was these two gay fellows that liked to have anal sex every single night.
On one particular night, before they could have sex, one of the fellows needed to go to the bathroom and use the toilet. The other fellow said "Okay, but go jerking off while you're in there. Save it for later because you're going to be busy." The first fellow agreed.
The first fellow was in the bathroom for a really long time, so the second fellow started to get worried. He opened the bathroom door just as the first fellow was getting off of the toilet.
The second fellow looked down in the toilet and saw a massive amount of sperm floating around, got angry, and yelled, "I thought I told you not to jerk off in here and save it for later!"
The first guy yelled back, "I didn't jerk off! Honestly, I just farted!"
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Smelly One-Liners
There are two flies sitting on a pile of poop. When one fly farts, the other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do ya mind? I'm eating here!"
Laugh and the world laughs with you; fart and they'll stop laughing.
Confucius say "Crowded elevator always smell different to midget."
Confucius say "Man who fart in Church sit in own pew."
Confucius say "Man who belch after eating fart from mouth."
Definition of a fart: A turd honking for the right of way!
Definition of bravery: A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!
Definition of surprise: A fart with a lump in it!
A man had such a smelly fart once that he had to spend 15 years in jail… for air pollution.
Why don't little girls fart? Because they don't have assholes until they're married.
Why do farts stink? So that deaf people can enjoy them too!
How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose? If she farts, her ankles swell.
Did you hear about the constipated Wheel of Fortune player? He wanted to buy a bowel.
What would you call a person who sends fart jokes by email all the time? A person who passes gas frequently.
What's the sharpest thing in the world? A fart because it goes right through your trousers and doesn't even leave a hole.
What do you get if you eat beans and onions? Tear Gas.
Better out than in, I always say.
"Darling," says a husband coyly to his wife, "let's swap positions tonight." "What a good idea," she replies. "You stand in front of the sink and do the dishes and I'll sit in front of the TV and fart."
What's invisible and smells like carrots? Easter Bunny farts.
Why do Irishmen only put 239 beans in their chili? Because one more would make it too faaarty!
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Blame The Dog
A young man visits his girlfriend's home to have dinner with her family for the first time. He's extremely nervous. After they're all seated at the table, their dog goes under the table and curls up under the young man's chair.
While they're eating and talking, he suddenly feels the pressure of gas against his sphincter. He attempts to hold it for awhile and, not thinking of excusing himself to go to the bathroom, he tries to slowly release a small fart just to ease the pressure. To his surprise, which he conceals, the fart makes a small noise.
His girlfriend's father, sitting at the head of the table, yells "Fido!"
The young man thinks to himself that if the dog could take the blame for one of his farts, perhaps the dog could take the blame for another. Not wanting to take any chances though, he excuses himself to go to the bathroom where he spends several minutes sitting on the toilet and passing gas. While he's sitting there, he reads fart jokes on his mobile phone to pass the time.
The young man returns to the table thinking all is well. The dog is still curled up under his chair. A few minutes later, he suddenly feels the pressure building up again. Not wanting to look like he has bowel problems, he attempts to slowly release another small fart. Unfortunately, there's no mistaking the noise.
This time, the father yells "Fido! Get out of there!"
The young man, thinking it's okay to let the dog take all the blame, starts feeling a little more confident. When the next bout of pressure starts to become too much to hold, he lets the fart rip at full force. The noise of it is almost deafening and echoes in the room.
"Damn it, Fido!" yells the father, "Get the hell over here before he shits on you."
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Time For Farting
When You Should Never Fart
- Inside a crowded elevator.
- In the supervisor's office, when you're in a meeting.
- In your own office.
- In a crowded supermarket or grocery store.
- Inside a public library.
- On a crowded train or bus.
- On an airplane.
- While giving a speech.
- While listening to a speech.
- While attending Church.
- During confession.
- While on a date.
- At a cinema or movie theater.
- While standing in line to get a ticket to a movie or a play.
- In a walk-in freezer. It'll linger a while.
- In the bed, while feeling frisky.
- In the bed, while being frisky.
- While fighting fire in a burning building.
- In a patrol car for a minor violation.
When It's Okay To Fart
- In an empty elevator before you get off.
- The supervisor's office as you are about to leave. It's best to make sure it's silent but deadly.
- Your co-workers cubicle at the office.
- In the cashier's line. It's bound to speed things up.
- When you're reading fart jokes, obviously.
- In a bathroom or restroom, obviously.
- While on a blind date, if you want to end it early.
- In the dressing next to an occupied one. There's no doubt the room next to you will quickly become unoccupied.
- When deep sea diving. It's fun to watch bubbles float to the surface from two different origins.
- Back seat of the patrol car after being arrested.
- In your car, just before you get carjacked. The carjacker might change his mind when he opens the door.
- In your car, after you've been carjacked. The carjacker might get out.
- During any kind of eating competition. It'll distract your competitors.
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Big Mistakes
Nudist Colony
John's in Amsterdam and visits a nudist colony there.
While wandering around naked, he spots a gorgeous blond woman and immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over and asks, "Sir, did you call for me?"
John replies, "No."
She says, "Well, it's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it means you called for me." She then lays him down and starts making love to him.
Later that day, John visits the sauna. As he sits down, he farts. A huge big hairy guy gets up, drops his towel to show a huge erection and says, "Sir, did you call for me?"
John replies with a strong "No!"
The man says, "It's a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The man then knocks John to the floor and has his way with him.
As soon as he's finished, John rushes back to his room, grabs all his things and heads for the exit. On his way out, he's stopped by the manager who asks, "Can I help you?"
John says, "Here's my room key. I'm leaving early."
The manager asks why and John replies, "I'm 60 years old. I get an erection once a week, but I fart 20 times a day!"
John returns home and decides he's better off reading fart jokes on his home computer.
Jet Fuel
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud says, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels great! No hangover! No bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim asks, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud answers, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Bud replies, "Nope! That jet fuel is great stuff. No hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing…"
"What's that?"
"Have you… umm… farted yet?"
"No."
"Well, don't, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!"
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