Sports Fans

A man and his wife have gone to bed.

After laying in bed for a few minutes, the man rips a loud fart under the blanket. The wife rolls over and growls, "Holy mackerel! What in God's name was that?"

He answers, "Touchdown! I'm ahead, seven to nothing!"

A few minutes later, the wife produces a scorching fart of her own. The husband asks, "Holy cow, what the heck was that?"

She replies, "Touchdown! Tie score!"

The man lays there for about ten minutes trying to build the pressure up for one more, but continues to have difficulty. Eventually, he tries so hard that he craps on the bed. The wife asks, not being able to see it, "Now what in the world was that?"

He replies sheepily, "Halftime. Switch sides."

(And you think reading fart jokes is a bad habit?)

Gay Lovers

Once upon a time, there was these two gay fellows that liked to have anal sex every single night.

On one particular night, before they could have sex, one of the fellows needed to go to the bathroom and use the toilet. The other fellow said "Okay, but go jerking off while you're in there. Save it for later because you're going to be busy." The first fellow agreed.

The first fellow was in the bathroom for a really long time, so the second fellow started to get worried. He opened the bathroom door just as the first fellow was getting off of the toilet.

The second fellow looked down in the toilet and saw a massive amount of sperm floating around, got angry, and yelled, "I thought I told you not to jerk off in here and save it for later!"

The first guy yelled back, "I didn't jerk off! Honestly, I just farted!"

There are two flies sitting on a pile of poop. When one fly farts, the other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do ya mind? I'm eating here!"

Laugh and the world laughs with you; fart and they'll stop laughing.

Confucius say "Crowded elevator always smell different to midget."

Confucius say "Man who fart in Church sit in own pew."

Confucius say "Man who belch after eating fart from mouth."

Definition of a fart: A turd honking for the right of way!

Definition of bravery: A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!

Definition of surprise: A fart with a lump in it!

A man had such a smelly fart once that he had to spend 15 years in jail… for air pollution.

Why don't little girls fart? Because they don't have assholes until they're married.

Why do farts stink? So that deaf people can enjoy them too!

How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose? If she farts, her ankles swell.

Did you hear about the constipated Wheel of Fortune player? He wanted to buy a bowel.

What would you call a person who sends fart jokes by email all the time? A person who passes gas frequently.

What's the sharpest thing in the world? A fart because it goes right through your trousers and doesn't even leave a hole.

What do you get if you eat beans and onions? Tear Gas.

Better out than in, I always say.

"Darling," says a husband coyly to his wife, "let's swap positions tonight." "What a good idea," she replies. "You stand in front of the sink and do the dishes and I'll sit in front of the TV and fart."

What's invisible and smells like carrots? Easter Bunny farts.

Why do Irishmen only put 239 beans in their chili? Because one more would make it too faaarty!

A young man visits his girlfriend's home to have dinner with her family for the first time. He's extremely nervous. After they're all seated at the table, their dog goes under the table and curls up under the young man's chair.

While they're eating and talking, he suddenly feels the pressure of gas against his sphincter. He attempts to hold it for awhile and, not thinking of excusing himself to go to the bathroom, he tries to slowly release a small fart just to ease the pressure. To his surprise, which he conceals, the fart makes a small noise.

His girlfriend's father, sitting at the head of the table, yells "Fido!"

The young man thinks to himself that if the dog could take the blame for one of his farts, perhaps the dog could take the blame for another. Not wanting to take any chances though, he excuses himself to go to the bathroom where he spends several minutes sitting on the toilet and passing gas. While he's sitting there, he reads fart jokes on his mobile phone to pass the time.

The young man returns to the table thinking all is well. The dog is still curled up under his chair. A few minutes later, he suddenly feels the pressure building up again. Not wanting to look like he has bowel problems, he attempts to slowly release another small fart. Unfortunately, there's no mistaking the noise.

This time, the father yells "Fido! Get out of there!"

The young man, thinking it's okay to let the dog take all the blame, starts feeling a little more confident. When the next bout of pressure starts to become too much to hold, he lets the fart rip at full force. The noise of it is almost deafening and echoes in the room.

"Damn it, Fido!" yells the father, "Get the hell over here before he shits on you."

When You Should Never Fart

1. Inside a crowded elevator.
2. In the supervisor's office, when you're in a meeting.
3. In your own office.
4. In a crowded supermarket or grocery store.
5. Inside a public library.
6. On a crowded train or bus.
7. On an airplane.
8. While giving a speech.
9. While listening to a speech.
10. While attending Church.
11. During confession.
12. While on a date.
13. At a cinema or movie theater.
14. While standing in line to get a ticket to a movie or a play.
15. In a walk-in freezer. It'll linger a while.
16. In the bed, while feeling frisky.
17. In the bed, while being frisky.
18. While fighting fire in a burning building.
19. In a patrol car for a minor violation.

When It's Okay To Fart

1. In an empty elevator before you get off.
2. The supervisor's office as you are about to leave. It's best to make sure it's silent but deadly.
3. Your co-workers cubicle at the office.
4. In the cashier's line. It's bound to speed things up.
5. When you're reading fart jokes, obviously.
6. In a bathroom or restroom, obviously.
7. While on a blind date, if you want to end it early.
8. In the dressing next to an occupied one. There's no doubt the room next to you will quickly become unoccupied.
9. When deep sea diving. It's fun to watch bubbles float to the surface from two different origins.
10. Back seat of the patrol car after being arrested.
11. In your car, just before you get carjacked. The carjacker might change his mind when he opens the door.
12. In your car, after you've been carjacked. The carjacker might get out.
13. During any kind of eating competition. It'll distract your competitors.

Nudist Colony

John's in Amsterdam and visits a nudist colony there.

While wandering around naked, he spots a gorgeous blond woman and immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over and asks, "Sir, did you call for me?"

John replies, "No."

She says, "Well, it's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it means you called for me." She then lays him down and starts making love to him.

Later that day, John visits the sauna. As he sits down, he farts. A huge big hairy guy gets up, drops his towel to show a huge erection and says, "Sir, did you call for me?"

John replies with a strong "No!"

The man says, "It's a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The man then knocks John to the floor and has his way with him.

As soon as he's finished, John rushes back to his room, grabs all his things and heads for the exit. On his way out, he's stopped by the manager who asks, "Can I help you?"

John says, "Here's my room key. I'm leaving early."

The manager asks why and John replies, "I'm 60 years old. I get an erection once a week, but I fart 20 times a day!"

John returns home and decides he's better off reading fart jokes on his home computer.

Jet Fuel

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud says, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels great! No hangover! No bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim asks, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud answers, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Bud replies, "Nope! That jet fuel is great stuff. No hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing…"

"What's that?"

"Have you… umm… farted yet?"

"No."

"Well, don't, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!"

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of farting every morning as he woke up. The noise would always wake up the wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. She would beg him to stop farting and he would tell her that he couldn't help it.

One time, she asked him to visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but he wouldn't hear of it. He told her it was just a natural body function and then he would laugh at her as she tried to wave the fumes away. She told him there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, one day he was going to be "farting his guts out."

The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings. In fact, he enjoyed reading fart jokes and thought that farting was just so much fun.

One Thanksgiving Day, before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She prepared pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to her as to how she might solve her husband's problem.

With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs a few hours before her husband would awake. While he was still sleeping soundly, she pulled back the blankets and then gently pulled back her husband's underwear. She then placed all of the turkey guts into his underwear, pulled them up, replaced the blankets and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

A few hours later, she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. The noise was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. The wife couldn't control herself and she laughed so hard she cried. After years of putting up with him, she'd finally gotten even.

About twenty minutes later, the husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and asked him what was wrong.

"Honey", he said, "You were right. You warned me for years and I didn't listen." "What do you mean?", asked Martha.

"Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days. Today it finally happened, but by the grace of God and these two fingers, I managed to get them all back in."

Duck Call

One day a lady went into a fishing shop to buy her husband a fishing pole for his birthday.

She picked up a really nice looking pole and asked the salesman how much it was. The sales man says, "I'm blind, but if you give me the pole I can tell how much it is by the weight."

So the lady gave him the pole and he said, "This pole is worth $45." She was amazed at how cheap it was.

She picked up another really nice pole, handed it to the man and he said, "This pole is worth $55." She decided it too was really cheap.

She then picked the nicest looking pole in the place and handed it to the man and he said, "This pole is our best and it's $70." She told him she'd take it.

As he was getting the fishing pole all rung up, she needed to fart really, really badly. She decided that since the man was blind, it really wouldn't matter if she farted in front of him, so she just let it rip.

All of a sudden the man said, "It all comes up to $80." Confused, the lady said to him, "But you said the fishing pole was only $70."

He said, "It is. It's $70 for the fishing pole and $10 for the duck call."

She should've brushed up on her fart jokes in order to present a suitable "comeback".

Definitely

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raises his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher replied, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies, "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher, "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looks at him and says, "No… but that isn't really a question you want to ask in a class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely pooped my pants."

Cross-Eyed: Sits on one cheek on the side of the seat and pees all over the floor. Usually wears rubber boots on her visits to the can, and carries a box of Kleenex in her purse.

Big Time: Always leaves toilet door open while she chats and brags to the other girls about the guy she "had" last night. Shows girls her panties with black lace edging and "Welcome" embroidered in the crotch. Has never been to bed with a man.

Selfish: Enters alone and locks the door, saying to the girls following that she will be out in a minute. Leisurely pees. Remarks, adjusts clothes and poses before mirror keeping others squirming outside for an hour.

Worried: A week past due. Squats thoughtfully, counting days overdue on fingers. Uses toilet paper, examines it hopefully. Peers into toilet before flushing, sighing deeply. Walks out biting nails after forgetting to wash hands. Resolves never to go to bed drunk again.

Sloppy: Skirt drags in toilet while squatting, pees all over front of toilet seat, never uses toilet paper, drags her business all over seat, forgets to flush and emerges with back of skirt caught in pants.

Timid: Looks under stall door to see if anyone else is in the can, turns on faucet full force, backs up to toilet, squats quickly, flushes for constant flow of water, coughs, hums, listens intently to learn if sound other than faucet can be heard. Ends up with loud fart, walks out blushing.

Frivolous: Lets stream go in little squirts to the tune of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat."

Literary: Always takes book of the month to the can with her. Blames "Forever Amber" for her piles.

Geek: Takes her laptop computer to the can with her. While reading fart jokes, can be heard giggling and snorting like a donkey.

Cautious: Has heard of so many girls contracting VD from toilet seats that she straddles bowl, leans over to flush, pees on her nylons.

Conceited: Approaches toilet with undulating movements. Raises dress by finger tips. Expression while peeing indicates such a lovely creature should not be compelled to attend to such lowly duties. Farts silently and disdainfully.

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. He also had a terrible passion for reading fart jokes, but that's another story.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this.", so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up baked beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP!!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

People like to read fart jokes. I'm not quite sure why. Perhaps it's because flatulating (which is the proper term for farting) is a part of everyday life. What the heck is flatulence anyway? Flatulence is the presence of a mixture of gases in the digestive tract known as flatus. When it's expelled from the rectum, it's also called flatulence.

Farts contain many components, with nitrogen as the primary gas. Other gases can include oxygen, carbon dioxide, methane and hydrogen. Both methane and hydrogen are flammable, and so farts can be ignited. Most farts stink because the gas contains butyric acid (rancid butter smell), hydrogen sulfide (rotten egg smell) and carbonyl sulfide. Fart odor can also be caused by the presence of bacteria or feces in the rectum. When a fart contains more than just gas, it's called a "shart", which is a slang combination word for feces and flatulence.

Fart noise is caused by the vibration of the anal sphincter. The pitch and the strengh of the sound varies depending on the tightness of the sphincter and the speed of the fart. Farts are usually accidental, and can be caused when sneezing, coughing or even burping. Some people enjoy farting, and a fart can be forced out. The only problem with doing that, is that a "shart" instead of a fart can be the result.

I receive hundreds of jokes by email every month, but I rarely receive fart jokes. Of the ones I do receive, very few are worth repeating. As this website progresses, I intend to put the best of what I've received out there for others to read and enjoy. I'll only publish the jokes that made me smile, chuckle, or laugh out loud. Not everything that others think is funny is actually funny. Cute maybe, but not funny.

I hope you enjoy the jokes I've selected as much as I did when I read them, or when they were told to me in person.